At your most primal level you want belong.

 

This conditioning started in your DNA way back before you had modern amenities and the ability to live alone. Back then you needed a community to survive from one day to the next. When you look at a model like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs the base is physiological needs (food, shelter, survival type stuff) followed closely by safety (personal security, employment, health, property). The third love and belonging. Followed by esteem then self-actualization. If you’re reading this you most likely have the base taken care of, even in the midst of a pandemic, even with the stress that comes with having those needs met. If you’re reading this you most likely also get stuck in that third level. Belonging.

 

Our longing for belonging is readily on display if you take a stroll through social media. We share memes, buzzfeed quizzes, and which character you are from your favorite show or movie. We share our myers-briggs, enneagram numbers, and anything that will help us relate to each other and show where we belong.

 

The underlying need to be understood, to belong, to be accepted is still encoded in your DNA. In my personal experience as well as observations of those around me I’ve noticed that even if we work hard to be understood, to belong, to be accepted we can still end up feeling like the misunderstood outsider. This is where I’d challenge the layers of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. If left up to me love and belonging would live in the same layer as esteem and self-actualization. Understanding ourselves is detrimental to being understood and feelings of belonging.

 

If you don’t understand yourself, if you haven’t reached the layers of esteem, which I would call acceptance (more on that in a bit), or self-actualization, you’ll most likely always feel like the misunderstood outsider. You’ll also find yourself buried under endless cycles of wondering if you are good enough, if someone knows something you don’t know, and always filling in the blanks of unknown information with the worst possible thoughts.

 

Acceptance and self-actualization is like knowing your own name. My name is Melissa and if someone walked up to me and called me Laura I would laugh and correct them. I wouldn’t get defensive or second guess myself because I accept fully and know without a doubt that my name is Melissa. However, without that same acceptance and deep understanding of myself, if someone called me an unkind name, perceived my personality differently, or accused me of something I didn’t intend I would get defensive and second guess myself. I may even start to question if they were right about me, if they knew something I didn’t, if they had the missing information.

 

Self-esteem isn’t walking into a room with the belief that you are better than everyone in it. Esteem is having respect and admiration for yourself. Respect means getting to know yourself deeply and admiration means understanding yourself, what makes you tick, and where you come from. When you are able to look at yourself with a wider lens you’ll see that you are more complex than your full astrological chart, your personality tests, and all of the quizzes. You’ll notice that some of those personality traits are simply defense mechanisms or coping strategies that you’ve cultivated to make your way through this world. Maybe even to create the illusion of belonging. Esteem is radical self-acceptance.

 

Self-actualization is generally thought of as the full realization of your potential through internal drive. Your potential in regards to your entire self: creatively, intellectually, and socially. And your internal drive literally mean what makes you as an individual “tick” and not things like external rewards (like money or status). Self-actualization is an extremely individual process. Even if you are more like Carrie than Miranda (SATC fans know). Even if you are an Aries sun and Virgo moon (do you know your full chart?). The truth is you are far more complex than your astrological sign, personality trait, or any box you have chosen to put yourself in. Because you have been out here living a life with life experiences with other humans and all of their “stuff” you are complex and individual and well, you. 

 

As you move on through life racking up more life experiences and more interactions with other humans and all of their “stuff” feel free to use all of the things you’ve learned as guide posts. Take the quizzes, learn your signs, check in with the personality tests but only keep what you know you connect with - only keep the things you fully accept and know without a doubt.

 

Know that you are so complex that you will be able to see yourself in Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte (SATC, again). The more you get to know yourself with full esteem and actualization the more you will see a little bit of yourself in everyone but a little bit of everyone in yourself. You’ll find yourself with more self-compassion and compassion for everyone else. You’ll find yourself no longer second guessing who you are, what you want, or what your intentions are. You’ll find yourself getting less and less defensive and more and more laughing it off and simply saying: no, my name is ____. And most importantly you’ll never again wonder if you have love and belonging because you’ve already got all of your needs met.

 

Cheers to getting know you,

 

Melissa