I walked into Paul Blart with the lowest expectations I’ve ever had for a feature film. Frankly, I expected a truly awful comedy, scraping the bottom of the barrel, a depraved grotesquery of cinema. It can be said though, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is not bottom of the barrel. It’s worse.  If it weren’t for a group of friends in the seats next to me, the knowledge I had paid $5.65 for a ticket, and an iron will, I still believe I would have walked out. Some nights, after my eyes are closed and I desperately reach out for sleep, I wish I had.

 

Starring Kevin “I don’t make good career choices” James, and no one else you’ve ever heard of, Mall Cop 2 follows the continuing adventures of Paul Blart, the overweight and unlikable officer of a small New Jersey mall featured in Mall Cop 1. Though a series of coincidences and meandering nonsense, he and his daughter in up at Vegas, attending the annual mall cop conference, where Blart is due to deliver the keynote address, all while a group of art thieves prowl the premise.

 

Too its credit, the film did have one scene that had me nearly die laughing. It involves Blart’s mother, a major character in the first film, and her unfortunate departure from our world. I don’t condone inflicting violence on senior citizens, but the sheer shock value of seeing grandma flattened by a milk truck (in a kids movie no less!) is gut bustlingly hilarious. But, like putting a packet of sugar in a jug of cyanide, a few good scenes are nowhere near enough to stop this film from being one of the worst wide releases I’ve ever seen.

 

The original Mall Cop wasn’t exactly Shakespeare, but overall it was a tolerable, if not forgettable, affair. Part of the reason behind this was the dumb lovability of Paul Blart, not the brightest flashing light on the squad car for sure, but one who clearly meant well and wanted what was best for his daughter.

 

Well this time around, Blart’s a completely detestable jerk. Between assaulting the elderly, borderline stalking his (now adult) daughter, and dialogue that consists mainly of whining and catchphrases, it’s a painful performance to watch. And not to discriminate against larger folk, but as big of a target that Paul’s rotund, mall cop body is, wouldn’t you think these pistol sporting, supposedly expert thieves and cut throats would be able to land a few shots?

 

Sadly for the audience, every villain is careening crook incompetent of holding up a McDonalds, much less pulling off a multi-million dollar art heist. I guess a terrible protagonist like Blart needed some terrible villains to square off against. And square off he does, primarily through the powers of morbid obesity. Sitting on, jumping on, and pancaking bad guys beneath his girth are all part of Paul’s arsenal.

 

Get used to plenty of fat jokes, because Mall Cop 2 has more weight gags than the state fair has deep-fried Twinkies.   This brand of humor quickly goes from tedious, to aggravating, to just flat out mean spirited. There’s nothing wrong with having a few chuckles about someone’s waistline, but like dinner rolls and ice-cream cake, their best served up with moderation.  For now I say we leave the overweight alone; they already have enough on their plate (sorry couldn’t resist).

               

There have been a lot of bad comedies over the years, but few in recent memory managed to fill me with such disgust and despair. Am I being a little mellow-dramatic about a dumb flick that’s just supposed to make a few kids laugh for two hours? Maybe, but if you had the misfortune of seeing Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, and an IQ that manages to crack the double digits, you’d be getting the exact same feelings. A movie I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, if I had the money, I’d buy up every copy and have it burned.

               

Since I don’t have that kind of cash lying around, I’m doing my best to pretend it was never made, just a painful memory that will dull as time goes on. I strongly suggest you do the same.

 

0 out of 5