In recent years Greek mythology has proven to be a box office hit, with films such as Immortals, Percy Jackson, and Wrath of the Titians, making millions at the box office. It’s no surprise then that not one, but two films starring Hercules, one of the most well-known and marketable figures of Greek mythology was made this year. The first, titled The Legend of Hercules, came out with little fanfare this past January only to promptly be savaged by critics and bomb at the box office.

 

The second, however, simply titled Hercules, had a much wider appeal.  With Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson starring, a budget in the hundreds of millions, and a trailer showcasing giant monsters and huge set pieces, it looked promising. Unfortunately, just like its predecessor, it failed to deliver.

 

The first, and one of the more formidable flaws, is the acting. The Rock isn’t hired because he’s a good actor. He’s hired because his biceps are larger than his head. While he certainly looks the part, his wooden performance fails to showcase the depth of the character. Even when faced with the murder of his wife and children, he just kind of stands there with a look on his face that can only be described as perpetual stupidity. 

 

Worse yet are his underdeveloped companions. For whatever reason Hercules travels with a group of five other warriors, all of them as poorly acted as the big man himself. It looks like someone just made a checklist of token characters and tossed them together. We have the scantily dressed heroine with a bow, the unspeaking animal like guy with an axe, and three generic dudes to round it all out. None of them make an impact on the story and just seem out of place. Maybe the director just wanted to give some of his buddies a job, but it’s to the detriment of the film

 

So we’ve already established that Hercules’ acting is poor, but alas, the story is even worse.  With more holes in the plot than a block of Swiss cheese and advertising that comes pretty close to outright lying, it was a big disappointment. The primary problem in this re-imagining is its setting. Rather than a traditional mythological Greece, Hercules is set in a world without gods and monsters. All the tales of Hercules and his many accomplishments are merely legends.  Unfortunately, this takes all the fun out of what could’ve been a dumb, but entertaining, romp.

 

Clash of the Titians is by no means great cinema, but it has a certain amount of stupid, brainless charm with all of the huge monsters filling the screen and gods smiting and whatnot.  Asides from the first 30 or so seconds (which were all played in the spoiler-ridden trailer anyway),Hercules has none of this instead relying on bland characters and a dull lifeless atmosphere. The story is an all-around cliché ridden, confusing mess that you’ll forget about 5 minutes after leaving the theater.

 

The last, and sometimes only, saving grace for any action movie is the action. There are plenty of entertaining movies with terrible dialogue and nonsensical stories (the old Toho Godzilla films come to mind) but Hercules didn’t even manage to get that right. Despite a budget estimated at over 100 million dollars, the set pieces all feels lobotomized. Likely due to the pg-13 rating, the battles, although visually impressive, lack any real weight to them, with arrows and swords showing about as much damage as if Hercules just smacked his foes up with a big stick.

 

300 is a great example of a film that got Bronze-Age combat right. Each blow showed the devastating consequences of having a sword sliced through you, making each fallen enemy a visual treat to behold. With Hercules, there are so many scenes of people just crumpling over nothing and cutaways from the real action that it all begins to mash together into a jumbled mess. By the time the third battle with the same garbage as the first two was coming around, I was checking my watch.  Violence isn’t always necessary, but realism certainly is, and it’s something this film lacks.

 

While the idiotic story and bad acting don’t help, what really sinks Hercules is the lack of fun. I mean, come on, it’s The Rock playing a demigod known for royally ripping into every monster he comes across. Hercules didn’t have to be a smart, or even particularly well made film. It could’ve been just two hours of the Rock taking down Cyclops and fighting giant beasts and still have been enjoyable, or at least more enjoyable than the mess we’ve been presented with. Maybe someday someone will come and make that one great Hercules movie, or maybe the long gestating God of War film will finally come out. Until then, though, just pop in your old, well-loved copy of 300, or maybe Clash of the Titians and leave this one for the bargain bins.