Did you know ultra independence is a defense mechanism?

 

That was a casual question posed to me by a counselor. I, of course, gave her a horrified gasp. Not because I disagreed but because I knew she nailed it. It was like she handed me a pair of glasses and then I couldn’t unsee the truth. This was a tough one for me.

 

I had done a lot of work to not just be my defense mechanisms. I wanted to live intentionally as opposed as just always reacting to whatever was happening around me. Ultra independence isn’t just a response though, it can become a way of life. A way of life that leads to too much responsibility on one person and a lot of overwhelm. I became so used to doing everything myself - making all the decisions, fixing all the issues that would arise - that asking for help became unbearably uncomfortable. Considering that I’m a solo business owner and a single mother all of this exacerbated. I had to set out on doing the unbearably uncomfortable thing and start asking for help and in doing so found nearly every aspect of my life improved.

 

The thing is I already knew the importance of community. I had spent quite a few years building a community of people around me through my work, my friends, retreats, classes, and even social media. I had become comfortable leaning in emotionally, I let people into my life, and relied on friendships when I needed emotional support. I also have always loved when others asked me for help. But ask them? No way, no thank you. Until I got that new, painful yet beautiful pair of glasses.

 

I started with only the absolute necessities, if I were in a real bind and needed extra help with something like childcare. Then small asks like laundry detergent. I had taken my son to our friends farm where I always knew to pack an extra change of clothes. As we were leaving I was wrapping my sons muddy clothes up in a grocery bag only to remember I was waiting for laundry detergent to be delivered in a subscription box that wouldn’t arrive until three days later. So I asked my friend for a bit of detergent to get by until then.

 

This small act for someone who would have normally drug my tired self and tired child into a store on the way home for more detergent was huge. And it turned out it wasn’t just huge to me. My friend shared with me later just how much that small act meant to her. By asking for help I gave my friend two gifts: 1) I let her know how much I trust her and how comfortable I feel within our relationship and 2) I gave her permission to ask for help as well. Just the spark I needed.

 

I went on to ask my best friend for help with work. I even got the opportunity to hire her consulting firm, Via Consulting, and not only did I get a four time return on investment we both grew even more appreciative of each other’s work and a deeper understanding of each other. When I got a new car and couldn’t get my bike rack assembled I packed up everything and drove over to another good friends house and asked her husband for help. This was a huge one for me. I had crossed from asking my girlfriends for help to asking a man. My single mother, entrepreneurial, ultra independence style reached a new phase of letting go. Not only was my friend proud of me, her husband and I had a great time together while our kids played. I’m now happy to report he’s no longer my friend’s husband, he’s my friend.

 

At the beginning of the year I set out to uncover yet another layer of asking for help. I started reaching out to my friends and colleagues for help. As a teacher, trainer, and yoga therapist, in a service based practice I spend my work days taking care of others physically and emotionally. I knew it was time to prioritize these same things for myself. While our businesses are similar our gifts and special talents vary and compliment each other.

 

I’ve gotten to receive my own Thai Yoga Massages from my friend and colleague Chase (check him out in Morgantown, WV Chase Hyson, The Mind Body Center ), who used his gifts of coaching and Ayurveda health coaching to remind me of some very important lessons I’d forgotten, set me off in the right direction with some dietary guidance, and showed me a couple things he’d been working on that I can incorporate in my sessions with clients.

 

I’ve gotten to do healing sessions with my friend Annika who always has the message I’ve been searching my own mind and heart for before I even ask her the question. I’ve gotten to do sessions with my friend and colleague Amanda Nichols (check her out in Bridgeport at WV Wellness) who’s massage practice extends far beyond just the physical touch of massage. Amanda is a healer with a powerful gift to calm the nervous system, therapeutically massage the body, and use her magic to remind you of yours.

 

The best part? They’ve all given me the gift of letting me work on them as well. Asking my colleagues for help deepened my own practice, has continually filled my cup, restored my mind and body, and has given me a greater respect for our field.

 

I can honestly say that asking for help has improved my entire life and relationships, both personal and professional. If you find yourself not trusting others to help you do tasks, staying distant in relationships, doing everything on your own, saying yes too much, taking on too much responsibility, and find it unbearably uncomfortable to ask for help - I implore you to do the uncomfortable thing. Start with the necessities, move into the small tasks, then let the magic start to take over. 

 

You can thank me for the help you couldn’t ask for later. Enjoy the new glasses!

 

Melissa