ToquiNotes: Withering Compassion in Face of COVID
By Jeff Toquinto on December 05, 2020 from ToquiNotes
Not too long ago, a member of our family passed as a result of complications from COVID-19. Due to what this blog is going to be about, I have to preface this with a few things.
Just who this relative was for purposes of this blog is irrelevant. Their age is irrelevant. Whether they were healthy or unhealthy is irrelevant. Whether they were a close relative is irrelevant. Whether they were male, female, what their blood type was, if they lived locally or far away, what circles they ran in, their political beliefs, religion and so many other things are all irrelevant.
While the death occurred many weeks back, I found myself on occasion in conversation with individuals who would start a discussion 
about COVID-19. That in itself is not unusual. For that matter, someone asking me if I personally knew anyone sick with the virus or dying as a result of COVID-19 is not unusual.
about COVID-19. That in itself is not unusual. For that matter, someone asking me if I personally knew anyone sick with the virus or dying as a result of COVID-19 is not unusual.
Death almost always spurs comments and questions from others. For most of my life until the pandemic started, my telling someone about a family member passing was 100 percent met with compassion, sympathy. Almost always the first words out of someone’s mouth was “I’m sorry.”
In fairness, the majority of those I have discussed this – and that has not been many – with were proper in their expression of sincere sympathy. The sad part it was not a vast majority. For the first time in my 52 years on this earth, one of the only normal things about dealing with death was no longer normal.
Why? COVID came along. With it has come a brush of ugliness that is layers deep.
That ugliness pretty much has kept me quiet about it. For weeks, I did not really mention it if brought up because a handful of the previous responses simply took me aback.
The responses that were the first of my lifetime were politically driven. And again, because I am as certain as I write this someone will turn this into something political and bash me on our social media platforms, death and politics should never be combined as the first step in a path of conversation amongst friends. COVID-19 has put landmines in what was already a muddy path.
More than once, the first thing I heard was “did they have an underlying condition?” That would be followed about inquires on age or something else that, quite frankly, someone with a bit of grief on their shoulder is not necessarily ready to address as the first order of business.
I also heard remarks about the family member who had passed had “probably been around someone not wearing a mask.” And that would be followed by questions regarding how disgusted they were by people who gave the virus to the relative in which they had no idea how they contracted the virus. Again, not now – not ever – should that be the first order of business out of someone’s mouth.
I bring this up because whether you believe COVID-19 is real, a hoax, a government-perpetrated scam, an legitimate end-of-times plague, or something else, when someone tells you they have a relative that has died from COVID-19 keep the foolishness of those type of thoughts to yourself.
If someone is comfortable enough to share with you in their loss, the very least thing one can do is be decent. That may still be a minority of people out there unable to meet that low bar, but I am sad to say it sure seems like it is no longer a small minority. If you do not believe me, go to any social media post on someone of recognition that has died and the story states they have died of COVID and read the comments.
It is sad there, watching people debate the issues of someone’s death behind a keyboard perhaps thousands of miles away with zero feeling. When it is up close and personal, it is absolutely nauseating. Sadly, I have a feeling in the online readings and my own personal encounters there is not an inkling from the person speaking that what they are saying is far off what should be a reasonable social standard.
Not a single person dealing with grief, and there are plenty I know out there who are, needs to have political ideology poured upon it. What grief needs from people is what it has always needed – compassion.
This pandemic has taught me many things, the worst of which is all unpalatable barriers on how we treat and deal with others at the worst moments of our lives have been knocked down in the name of political ideology. Again, not by everyone, but far too many.
Whether you believe in COVID-19 or not is moot when a person tells you about someone they know has lost their life. Understand, I did not tell people the information out of a sympathy grab. I told them because I was asked and I felt at least some connection with them – I valued and trusted them. When someone does the same, they have the same connection, the same value, the same trust to confide in you about the person they have lost.
That person they are telling you about is not coming back. They have lost someone of value to them.
Some of us have lost something else, and that is compassion. Compassion goes to the core of who we are as beings. The saving grace of compassion being lost, unlike a life, is you can find it again. The pessimistic part of me believes, and actually is convinced, some out there would rather prove a political point than simply be human and show some compassion.
I pray that will change and I will be proved wrong. God help us all.
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